Psych Quiz
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Overworked
When we were looking to buy property, I had this overzealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds on the property were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree. But, couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
Brick Economy
A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window. "What I would give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"
Pet Shop and the Butcher
One afternoon, a butcher went into a pet shop. The butcher had visited that same pet shop every day for a week straight. It seems that he had fallen in love with one of the seagulls in the shop.
Alas, he had no money to spend, but the pet shop owner agreed to give him the bird in exchange for some of the delicious German sausage from the butcher's store.
And so, the deal was made. It seems that he took a tern for the wurst.
Math Argument
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one-third X cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician stated. Incidentally, do you know what the integral of X squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one-third X cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "Plus A constant."
Medicine vs. Sports
Former college basketball coach Abe Lemmons made the following observations concerning the differences between doctors and coaches.
Doctors can bury their mistakes: Coaches still have theirs on scholarships.
Finish last in your league and they call you an idiot: Finish last in medical school and they call you a doctor.
Just once I'd like to see the win-loss records of doctors right out front where people can see them: Won ten, Lost three, Tied two.
Inventive Excuses for Missing Work
1. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
2. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Safeway.
3. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Broncos, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
4. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
5. My stigmata is acting up.
6. I can't come in to work today because I will be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
7. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.
Dog Breeds That Just Didn't Make It
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer = Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks (or drools) incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... Oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Round of Golf
Two men were playing a round of golf one day. Just as they were about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession went by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Clyde, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.
"Gee Clyde, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend said.
"Well," Clyde replied, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least that I could do."
Men are like fine wine.
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it is our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
Four-Letter Words
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Stan started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!"
"Frannie, Frannie," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama."
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words." Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama, words like dust, wash, iron, and cook . . . "
Adam's Rib
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Austin seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of Adam's rib. Later in the week, Wendy, his mother, noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Austin, what's the matter?"
Little Austin responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
